its completely nipplelicious

As you might be able to tell by the title of this post, there are simply some things you really don’t want to know the answer to. Most are common sense, and yet we as humans still feel the need to torture ourselves with the possible answers.

Question: Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Result: If your partner isn’t panting or sweating as hard as you, if they aren’t dying for a large glass of water, chances are that no, it wasn’t as good. Asking this question simply results in that awkward silence followed by the obligatory “Of course it was”.

Question: Do you love me?

Result: If you even have to ask this question of your significant other, the answer is no,  and all you’ve done is force the issue and made all involved uncomfortable.

Question: How many men/women have you slept with?

Result: This should be a no brainer. If it walks and talks like a duck, it’s a duck. If it walks, talks and acts like a whore, chances are he/she is and the question really is redundant.

Question: You are on the pill. Right?

Result: A mini you in about 9 months. Unless of course you’re smart enough to not only ask this before sex, but to wear a condom as well.

Question: Did that hurt too much?

Result: Well, if you’re an insensitive moron who forgot the lube before you jammed your dipstick 3/4 of the way up her anal cavity, then the answer is yes. Of course, it would never need asking if you thought with the top head before acting with your lower. Otherwise, asking if something hurts during sex is a good sign of paying attention.

Question: Do you picture other women/men when we are having sex?

Result: Seriously, do you really want to know if your sex life is so awful that your mate has to put another persons body or face on yours just to get off? If you have even the slightest feeling this is what they are doing, you need to step your sex game up a notch or two.

Question: If you loved me…?

Result: Any sentence that begins with those words should never, ever leave your mouth. It puts your partner in instant offensive mode, resulting in an argument you are bound to lose. Love is not dependent on your wishes and whims.

Question: Am I the “largest” you’ve ever had?

Result: Not the answer you want to hear in most cases. If your woman is a smart ass, and you’re really not the biggest, she’ll come back with “Not really, but that’s okay”. Or if you’re well endowed and already know it, why bother asking, we might fib just to keep that ego down a bit.

Question: Does this skirt make me look?

Result: I may be a woman, but this question makes my skin crawl and my teeth stand on edge. Either learn some confidence or be prepared to hear “It’s not the skirt that makes you look fat, it’s your fat that makes you look fat”.

Well, there you have it, some more of Nipsy’s tips for the sexually challenged. Hope you enjoy them, take them to heart, and laugh as you were supposed to. I have to stop writing now, my butts feeling a wee bit sore.

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