its completely nipplelicious

I now have a new pet peeve list of things people do driving on the freeway. I’ve been doing quite a bit more traveling lately and I notice more drivers with a lack of consideration for not only themselves, but other vehicles as well.  The worst part is when these drivers crash, they are going to take out some of us more responsible people with them. I want to get a big flashing sign for my car that says “Go ahead and tailgate me, I wanted a new car anyways”.

1. Two weeks ago, I actually saw a man driving an SUV while reading a newspaper. Not just looking for an address mind you, but turning the pages and reading it between drinks of coffee. Needless to say, I quickly got away from this car.

2. A car driven by a teenage girl pulled up next to me at the stoplight. When I glanced over, she was busy texting on her cell phone. So busy in fact she never saw the light turn green, and didn’t move until the cars behind her started blowing their horns, texting as she went.

3. Any driver who thinks they can cut off the semi truck in front of them. Knock it off jack ass!! Lets put this into perspective. You in your tiny little car versus the giant house on wheels, who do you think wins in an accident?

4. Tailgate lovers. Here is your only warning from me. I WILL brake check. I WILL NOT speed up nor jump a lane unless I have room. I WILL NOT cause an accident so you can go 80 mph on the freeway. We don’t have an Autobahn here, get used to it. So go ahead and get as close to my rear end as you can, I was looking for a new car anyways.

5. The people who let their children/animals/objects roam around a vehicle. Guess what guys, buckles were put into place for a reason. If you are driving a tiny Toyota with a full size German Shepard in your lap, you aren’t paying attention to the road or cars around you. If tiny Suzie is jumping up and down in the back seat and you slam on your brakes, say Bye Bye Suzie.

Those are only a few, but I’m tired and need to grab a few more Zzzz’s before work. Feel free to add your own driving pet peeves. I’m sure there are plenty out there.

***WARNING***  The following posting is NSFW, even though I have blanked out the extreme curse words, this is better read alone. Of course, you will want to share the laughter with others so by all means go right ahead.

I’ve seen, heard, and read some things on the Internet that I never knew existed before. I thought I had read it all, until tonight that is. The man decided to share something with me, and let me tell you I’m still giggling over it. I’m sure you’ve all heard of Craigslist before, I use it looking for animals, electronics, or places to rent. What I never knew was that they had a “casual encounters” section before.

It’s a place where people literally place ads looking for sex, all sorts of sex. Of course to understand half the ads you need a dang translator with all the abbreviations they use. It doesn’t take too long to figure out though. Most ads are the same old same old.  “Horny hot girl seeks hot guy, older man looking for young girl to dominate, and even “young stud just wants a blow-job.”  A few were sick, some sad, some just downright creepy. The ultimate best one though has to be the following ad, its a bit long winded, but extremely hilarious and original.

” Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then.

You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to anal sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.

I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed.

Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well.

When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, “MORE”, “HARDER”, “YES”, “F*CK ME”, but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.

When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your a*s. You are allowed to say something like “OH GOD”, “YES”, OR “IT HURTS” no other conversation is allowed.

When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to c*m inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like “Thanks”, “It was great”, “I loved it”, “Don’t stop”

If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave.

I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together.”
Well, at least he was honest. The man brought up a valid point though. Remember the end when you get to the flag and can repeatedly hit the turtle getting more and more points? Well what happens if you do? I simply had to share this with my fellow twisted bloggers, I knew you would enjoy. So I ask you again, just how well do you know your neighbors?

As you might be able to tell by the title of this post, there are simply some things you really don’t want to know the answer to. Most are common sense, and yet we as humans still feel the need to torture ourselves with the possible answers.

Question: Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Result: If your partner isn’t panting or sweating as hard as you, if they aren’t dying for a large glass of water, chances are that no, it wasn’t as good. Asking this question simply results in that awkward silence followed by the obligatory “Of course it was”.

Question: Do you love me?

Result: If you even have to ask this question of your significant other, the answer is no,  and all you’ve done is force the issue and made all involved uncomfortable.

Question: How many men/women have you slept with?

Result: This should be a no brainer. If it walks and talks like a duck, it’s a duck. If it walks, talks and acts like a whore, chances are he/she is and the question really is redundant.

Question: You are on the pill. Right?

Result: A mini you in about 9 months. Unless of course you’re smart enough to not only ask this before sex, but to wear a condom as well.

Question: Did that hurt too much?

Result: Well, if you’re an insensitive moron who forgot the lube before you jammed your dipstick 3/4 of the way up her anal cavity, then the answer is yes. Of course, it would never need asking if you thought with the top head before acting with your lower. Otherwise, asking if something hurts during sex is a good sign of paying attention.

Question: Do you picture other women/men when we are having sex?

Result: Seriously, do you really want to know if your sex life is so awful that your mate has to put another persons body or face on yours just to get off? If you have even the slightest feeling this is what they are doing, you need to step your sex game up a notch or two.

Question: If you loved me…?

Result: Any sentence that begins with those words should never, ever leave your mouth. It puts your partner in instant offensive mode, resulting in an argument you are bound to lose. Love is not dependent on your wishes and whims.

Question: Am I the “largest” you’ve ever had?

Result: Not the answer you want to hear in most cases. If your woman is a smart ass, and you’re really not the biggest, she’ll come back with “Not really, but that’s okay”. Or if you’re well endowed and already know it, why bother asking, we might fib just to keep that ego down a bit.

Question: Does this skirt make me look?

Result: I may be a woman, but this question makes my skin crawl and my teeth stand on edge. Either learn some confidence or be prepared to hear “It’s not the skirt that makes you look fat, it’s your fat that makes you look fat”.

Well, there you have it, some more of Nipsy’s tips for the sexually challenged. Hope you enjoy them, take them to heart, and laugh as you were supposed to. I have to stop writing now, my butts feeling a wee bit sore.

Yes, it’s true.  As far as I have come in the last two years, as much as I know just how damn sexy I am, how worthy I am, even I in all my greatness still have my insecure moments. It happened last night again. Of course, I let it get so big that I forgot all my lessons in how to deal with the insecurities in a relationship. I let all rules fly out the window and just let er rip. Who knows why. Maybe it was my frustration with myself in even worrying, maybe it was my subconscious trying to focus on this problem and not another. Either way you lay the cards, I picked a fight. No ifs ands or butts about it.

That wasn’t my intention going into it. In fact, I even wanted to wait until I had things sorted out more in my own head. But being in your own head can be a very dangerous place, at least in my case it can. Its not healthy to let things sit and stew, yet on the other hand that saying “don’t sweat the little stuff” keeps rolling through my brain as well.

I apologized of course, after the fact. Doesn’t mean much if I can’t back up the apology. I can admit this though, I won’t worry about the repercussions. If there are any, so be it. That right there used to be my problem. I would worry about the after facts so much, that I never realized what was done was done, and things were moving forward without me. Now, I can at least say I did it, I will work on not doing it again and move on.

To keep things moving along, I wrote this about myself. Its a little ad for me, you could call it a refresher course in me. I think everyone should do this at least once in a while to remind you of just who and what you are.

Available:

One slightly used but never appreciated middle aged still young at heart woman. Totally remodeled with upgrades to interior and exterior.  A few dents and dings here and there, but they lend charm to this funny and sexy better than new model.  Not as wild as younger models, but more willing to try new things. Comes with ability to think on its own, and evolve with the situation as needed. Extremely loyal when trust is earned, will not stray.  Heart bigger than mouth most times, simply needs refreshed every few months. Well worth the effort in the long haul. Humor included.

Taken:

By one buyer brave enough to purchase an opened model. Buyer was warned, yet chooses to work, mold, and learn. Purchaser has experienced  slight glitches in system, yet understands the codes enough to appreciate the full picture. Buyer has earned systems complete trust and respect, a new upgrade never before given by said system.

Love you hun, and thank you for being you and letting me be me, even at my worst.