its completely nipplelicious

I now have a new pet peeve list of things people do driving on the freeway. I’ve been doing quite a bit more traveling lately and I notice more drivers with a lack of consideration for not only themselves, but other vehicles as well.  The worst part is when these drivers crash, they are going to take out some of us more responsible people with them. I want to get a big flashing sign for my car that says “Go ahead and tailgate me, I wanted a new car anyways”.

1. Two weeks ago, I actually saw a man driving an SUV while reading a newspaper. Not just looking for an address mind you, but turning the pages and reading it between drinks of coffee. Needless to say, I quickly got away from this car.

2. A car driven by a teenage girl pulled up next to me at the stoplight. When I glanced over, she was busy texting on her cell phone. So busy in fact she never saw the light turn green, and didn’t move until the cars behind her started blowing their horns, texting as she went.

3. Any driver who thinks they can cut off the semi truck in front of them. Knock it off jack ass!! Lets put this into perspective. You in your tiny little car versus the giant house on wheels, who do you think wins in an accident?

4. Tailgate lovers. Here is your only warning from me. I WILL brake check. I WILL NOT speed up nor jump a lane unless I have room. I WILL NOT cause an accident so you can go 80 mph on the freeway. We don’t have an Autobahn here, get used to it. So go ahead and get as close to my rear end as you can, I was looking for a new car anyways.

5. The people who let their children/animals/objects roam around a vehicle. Guess what guys, buckles were put into place for a reason. If you are driving a tiny Toyota with a full size German Shepard in your lap, you aren’t paying attention to the road or cars around you. If tiny Suzie is jumping up and down in the back seat and you slam on your brakes, say Bye Bye Suzie.

Those are only a few, but I’m tired and need to grab a few more Zzzz’s before work. Feel free to add your own driving pet peeves. I’m sure there are plenty out there.

***WARNING***  The following posting is NSFW, even though I have blanked out the extreme curse words, this is better read alone. Of course, you will want to share the laughter with others so by all means go right ahead.

I’ve seen, heard, and read some things on the Internet that I never knew existed before. I thought I had read it all, until tonight that is. The man decided to share something with me, and let me tell you I’m still giggling over it. I’m sure you’ve all heard of Craigslist before, I use it looking for animals, electronics, or places to rent. What I never knew was that they had a “casual encounters” section before.

It’s a place where people literally place ads looking for sex, all sorts of sex. Of course to understand half the ads you need a dang translator with all the abbreviations they use. It doesn’t take too long to figure out though. Most ads are the same old same old.  “Horny hot girl seeks hot guy, older man looking for young girl to dominate, and even “young stud just wants a blow-job.”  A few were sick, some sad, some just downright creepy. The ultimate best one though has to be the following ad, its a bit long winded, but extremely hilarious and original.

” Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then.

You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to anal sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.

I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed.

Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well.

When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, “MORE”, “HARDER”, “YES”, “F*CK ME”, but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.

When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your a*s. You are allowed to say something like “OH GOD”, “YES”, OR “IT HURTS” no other conversation is allowed.

When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to c*m inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like “Thanks”, “It was great”, “I loved it”, “Don’t stop”

If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave.

I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together.”
Well, at least he was honest. The man brought up a valid point though. Remember the end when you get to the flag and can repeatedly hit the turtle getting more and more points? Well what happens if you do? I simply had to share this with my fellow twisted bloggers, I knew you would enjoy. So I ask you again, just how well do you know your neighbors?

As you might be able to tell by the title of this post, there are simply some things you really don’t want to know the answer to. Most are common sense, and yet we as humans still feel the need to torture ourselves with the possible answers.

Question: Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Result: If your partner isn’t panting or sweating as hard as you, if they aren’t dying for a large glass of water, chances are that no, it wasn’t as good. Asking this question simply results in that awkward silence followed by the obligatory “Of course it was”.

Question: Do you love me?

Result: If you even have to ask this question of your significant other, the answer is no,  and all you’ve done is force the issue and made all involved uncomfortable.

Question: How many men/women have you slept with?

Result: This should be a no brainer. If it walks and talks like a duck, it’s a duck. If it walks, talks and acts like a whore, chances are he/she is and the question really is redundant.

Question: You are on the pill. Right?

Result: A mini you in about 9 months. Unless of course you’re smart enough to not only ask this before sex, but to wear a condom as well.

Question: Did that hurt too much?

Result: Well, if you’re an insensitive moron who forgot the lube before you jammed your dipstick 3/4 of the way up her anal cavity, then the answer is yes. Of course, it would never need asking if you thought with the top head before acting with your lower. Otherwise, asking if something hurts during sex is a good sign of paying attention.

Question: Do you picture other women/men when we are having sex?

Result: Seriously, do you really want to know if your sex life is so awful that your mate has to put another persons body or face on yours just to get off? If you have even the slightest feeling this is what they are doing, you need to step your sex game up a notch or two.

Question: If you loved me…?

Result: Any sentence that begins with those words should never, ever leave your mouth. It puts your partner in instant offensive mode, resulting in an argument you are bound to lose. Love is not dependent on your wishes and whims.

Question: Am I the “largest” you’ve ever had?

Result: Not the answer you want to hear in most cases. If your woman is a smart ass, and you’re really not the biggest, she’ll come back with “Not really, but that’s okay”. Or if you’re well endowed and already know it, why bother asking, we might fib just to keep that ego down a bit.

Question: Does this skirt make me look?

Result: I may be a woman, but this question makes my skin crawl and my teeth stand on edge. Either learn some confidence or be prepared to hear “It’s not the skirt that makes you look fat, it’s your fat that makes you look fat”.

Well, there you have it, some more of Nipsy’s tips for the sexually challenged. Hope you enjoy them, take them to heart, and laugh as you were supposed to. I have to stop writing now, my butts feeling a wee bit sore.

Yes, it’s true.  As far as I have come in the last two years, as much as I know just how damn sexy I am, how worthy I am, even I in all my greatness still have my insecure moments. It happened last night again. Of course, I let it get so big that I forgot all my lessons in how to deal with the insecurities in a relationship. I let all rules fly out the window and just let er rip. Who knows why. Maybe it was my frustration with myself in even worrying, maybe it was my subconscious trying to focus on this problem and not another. Either way you lay the cards, I picked a fight. No ifs ands or butts about it.

That wasn’t my intention going into it. In fact, I even wanted to wait until I had things sorted out more in my own head. But being in your own head can be a very dangerous place, at least in my case it can. Its not healthy to let things sit and stew, yet on the other hand that saying “don’t sweat the little stuff” keeps rolling through my brain as well.

I apologized of course, after the fact. Doesn’t mean much if I can’t back up the apology. I can admit this though, I won’t worry about the repercussions. If there are any, so be it. That right there used to be my problem. I would worry about the after facts so much, that I never realized what was done was done, and things were moving forward without me. Now, I can at least say I did it, I will work on not doing it again and move on.

To keep things moving along, I wrote this about myself. Its a little ad for me, you could call it a refresher course in me. I think everyone should do this at least once in a while to remind you of just who and what you are.

Available:

One slightly used but never appreciated middle aged still young at heart woman. Totally remodeled with upgrades to interior and exterior.  A few dents and dings here and there, but they lend charm to this funny and sexy better than new model.  Not as wild as younger models, but more willing to try new things. Comes with ability to think on its own, and evolve with the situation as needed. Extremely loyal when trust is earned, will not stray.  Heart bigger than mouth most times, simply needs refreshed every few months. Well worth the effort in the long haul. Humor included.

Taken:

By one buyer brave enough to purchase an opened model. Buyer was warned, yet chooses to work, mold, and learn. Purchaser has experienced  slight glitches in system, yet understands the codes enough to appreciate the full picture. Buyer has earned systems complete trust and respect, a new upgrade never before given by said system.

Love you hun, and thank you for being you and letting me be me, even at my worst.

Well, I thought I had already experienced the most embarrassing things in the world to be had lately. I was wrong, oh so very wrong. It’s taken me quite awhile to be able to admit this one. Pretty much, the only reason I am willing to share is that I know someone, somewhere out there has had the same thing happen to them. I hope. Of course, I don’t see anyone else jumping up to share this story, so perhaps not.

Let me set the picture clearly for you. Late at night, me and the man. I started off wearing my sexy black lace outfit (as we all know, those don’t stay on very long).I had my ball gag in, and for once it didn’t give me such a hard time putting it on. Of course, I did poke 3 extra holes in the belt to adjust for myself. My bedroom was hot, filled with the smell of sex. I had my “substitute” vibrator in, legs high up in the air, and we both were ready to go.

It was at that very moment, the time when we both were ready to share our “joy”, the peak oh so close, when my bedroom door starts to slowly open and I see a tiny head start to peek around! I have never, and I do mean never, jumped off a bed so fast in my entire life. Three things happened at once. I jumped up, ripped said vibrator out, and slammed my door shut; all while saying “What,”! It was the most horrible experience ever to date. Apparently in my desire to share just how turned on I was, I had become very vocal and woke my youngest child up. He decided to come check on me.

At any other time, that would have been cute. At this time, it was instant mortification as well as instant turn off. There was no picking back up where we left off. Hell, I had a time simply lifting my head up after that. I was sore, embarrassed, and left wanting. I can at least be proud that I didn’t yell at my child, I calmly told him to go back to bed. I’m also lucky that said child was still mostly asleep and never really opened his eyes. That’s at least one sight I am sure would scar a child for life. The man is another story though. I don’t think he has laughed so hard in a long time.

So let this be a lesson to other parents out there:DON’T FORGET TO LOCK YOUR DOOR!! I am not only locking it form now on, I’m off to Home Depot to look for the heavy duty master lock.

As we all know, Saturday was lovers day, aka Valentines Day. I decided to do something a bit special, a little more racy than usual simply because of it. It’s a taste for me, I want the mushy stuff don’t get me wrong, I just don’t want it on a day that most feel obligated to act that way. So my way was going into a new adult store near me. I’ve seen it, and kept meaning to stop in, but always got sidetracked. Well all I can say is I have now found a new playground!! This place was great, roomy and a ton of choices.

I went in knowing what I was going to get.  First I wanted a fish net full body stocking. I also wanted to get a ball gag, something the man and I have both been dying to try. They didn’t have my full length stocking, but they had a chemise that was even better. It was black and bigger holes, with solid black lines covering (well almost covering) in the perfect spots. I also bought a black nightie that was made of lace, with a tie up in front. I decided when it came time for the ball gag, I had better ask someone since this was a first for me. The salesclerk was great, she directed me to the beginners ball gags, which have holes in them so you can still breathe. It was explained to me, that a lot of women new to ball gags get panic attacks when they can’t breathe, so I should start with the one for newbies. Fine with me, lol.

As I was heading out the door, another package caught my eye, and I simply couldn’t resist. It was a vinyl tethered harness with nothing but straps and hooks everywhere. Looked like fun, so I picked that up as well. Of course, the first thing I did when I got home was call up the man and show him our new toys. We decided to try them on one at a time, and do a little model show for him and I. The first outfit was so tight getting it on the first time, I thought it wouldn’t fit. I thought to myself “one size fits most my arse“!   The man said not to worry though, after a few try on’s, it would stretch for me. We really loved that first one, extremely hot. Next came the lacy nightie. It was hot too, but more for a “hey baby look at me,” and not a “I’m going to jump you right now.” Then it was time for the vinyl.

This became an adventure in itself. It was easy enough to step into, I didn’t even have my feet in the wrong holes! But when it came time to snap it around my neck, oh man. That thing was so tight, tighter than I usually like having my neck squeezed. Again, the man says it will loosen up after a few uses, and I sure as hell hope so. Nothing says major turn off than your woman turning blue as you ram into her. The worst part I had however, was hooking the ball gag. It is most definitely NOT a do it yourself job. The type of buckle that came on it made it nearly impossible to hook behind your own head! Of course, it was too big as well. So there I was. Sitting on my bed wearing a vinyle harness, sweating and cursing at my ball gag because I can’t get it to buckle, or when I do, it wouldn’t stay!

All in all though, the outfits worked out great, better than even I had thought. Now, some of you might ask me, “Why the hell is she sharing this with me“? Simple. I wanted to share the following. I am not the worlds skinniest broad, I don’t have large boobs, and after three kids, there are most definitely stretch marks and a baby pouch. But let me tell you, putting on those three outfits made me feel as if I were the sexiest woman on the planet. Eat your heart out playboy bunnies!

Alright, I’m having technical difficulties here. There is a smell permeating my apartment. I have no clue what it is, but its here. I know I slacked off on cleaning due to my long work week, but damn I wasn’t that far behind. This smell is offensive, its not stronger in one spot than others, it simply lingers. I cleaned all weekend long trying to not only find this offender of my nostrils, but to get rid of it.

On Saturday I scrubbed the bathroom  and the kitchen. I even cleaned that stupid pan under the fridge (I had no clue you were supposed to check that for water once a month,).  I cleaned under my couch, finding some change, lint, and a pair of socks I thought were lost. Yet the smell still lingered.

Today I scrubbed my non flushing, might as well be a Porto potty toilet. I made the kids clean their rooms, and I checked under beds for hidden food. I emptied my garbage cans, and I cleaned out the cupboards. Yet as I sit here typing, the smell is invading my nose again. Its almost a food smell, yet not. It doesn’t smell rotten, it almost smells wet. I wish I could explain it better. Or had smell-a-vision on my blog. I keep picturing the scene from Independence Day. You know the one where Will Smith yells at the alien “And what the hell is that smell“!

I  wonder if when the neighbor downstairs moved out, she might have left a little present in her fridge. I sincerely hope not. For now I will try and ignore the smell, I’m tired from playing detective. Besides, I’m getting stuffed up again, maybe I won’t smell it anymore.

 First off, again let me apologize for my absence. I am finishing up a nine day work week here, and it’s kicking my butt. I don’t know how the hell I did this crap when I was younger, but man am I feeling my age today. One more day to go, and then I am off for the weekend. So what you are about to read is my rambling, well in a creative way at least. Hope you enjoy, and feel free to toss in your own “If Only’s”.

If only…there were 5 more hours in my 24 hour day

If only…more people took the time to smile at a stranger

If only…my tax refund would get here

If only…there were no such things as “bad parents”

If only…I was in California right this minute

If only…I wasn’t a worry wart

If only…I could get up the nerve for those nipple rings

If only…more people gave love a chance(it really is worth it)

If only…I could see the sun

If only…I could feel my toes

If only…energy wasn’t only for the young

If only…my tummy would stop rumbling(I will NOT get into that Ben & Jerry’s tonight)

If only…more women would age gracefully and not with technology

If only…I didn’t have to keep filling my own toilet

If only…my brain shuts off soon so I can get a full nights sleep

If only…the man knew just how much I love him

If only…well hell, I could go on like this forever. I think you get my point though. It’s time to shut this little brain off for the night, I hear my pillow, blue, and a certain shirt calling my name.

Ha! I got you on the title didn’t I? That one was simply for attentions sake, and a bit of a “rub it in your face” to all those that have sent me nasty little emails. Yes, this site is inappropriate for children. It says that right from the get go. Of course, if you are going to click on “The day the Dildo died”, and then complain, well there you have it. Now that we got that little drama out of the way, here is my ironic story of the day.

Yesterday, after two weeks of not being able to drive, I finally became legal again. The man reminded me that you never know what you got until it’s gone. That is so true. I missed my green machine mini van so much. I spent the day yesterday paying fees out the whoo hoo, paperwork from hell, and driving hours to get this all done. I was so excited to be able to get back to work today believe it or not.

Then at 5:30 am I got those computer calls from the  schools telling me “no school” for the kids. Okay fine. I peek out the window and all I see is white. Everywhere I looked was covered in snow. Still no big deal, it is the snow belt after all. I decide to head into work two hours early to give myself plenty of time to get there without crashing. Well, I made it to the end of town (after gunning out of my snow filled parking lot), where lo and behold the bridge out of town is closed. Okay, so I make a U-turn and head for the other bridge. CLOSED!!

So now I was down to one road out of town left. It’s a doozy of a road, with curves for miles, and hidden drives, all on a good day. As I pull up to my one last escape route, the railroad tracks across it are covered in snow, four cars are stuck sideways, left  ways, and nearly upside down. There went that lovely idea, thanks a lot Storm of the Century. I put my car into park right there and called my boss to tell her the good news. She started laughing at me, and told me it was just my luck. My first day of driving freedom and I couldn’t even get out of town.

Moral is “NEVER GET OVERLY EXCITED, YOU ARE DOOMED FOR DISAPPOINTMENT” (and I don’t mean our sex life dear).

I’ve noticed that we as women get more sexually adventurous as we get older. Most women won’t admit it, and quite a few will skip right over this if they happen upon it. Not only that, but they will look down on me for talking about it, while at the same time be envious that I can.

When I was younger, sex was no big deal. With my ex, it was slam bam, in, out, and done. If I got any enjoyment out of it, I don’t recall it now. Back then, sex toys were something I snickered at, and the closest I came to foreign objects was holding the shower head close.

Now that I got not only my freedom, but my self respect back at age 31, look out here I come. I have learned there are different positions (although that whole upside down thing is a bit much for me, no matter how much we try), that having the lights on is a wonderful thing, and that I have a slightly twisted sex fiend that has been dying to get out.

There are lessons I have learned in my new found sex life. Most are fun, all are interesting, and some are lessons I will never forget. One prime example of this is the night the man and I decided it was time to try butt sex. (For some reason, I really dislike the word anal).  I’d like to say it was nice and slow, and that we eased into it. Well, he did, but my mind had other plans.

I had myself so worked up in my fear of the butt sex, that I decided it was like a band aid, just slam it in once, and the rest would be easy. I had also been doing “practice runs” myself, just to prepare. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME!! After I slammed myself back in my attempt to help the process, I felt my stomach in my throat, the tears in my eyes, and the breathe knocked right out of me. All I could do was whisper “please,*breath* just*breath* don’t move, let me*breath* get used to it,”.

After awhile, all was good, and no you don’t get the juicy details. But even with the initial pain, the excitement of something new was well worth it. I think that’s part of why I share this with you. Maybe there are more women out there who are like I used to be. Women who know they want more, but are afraid to try. Don’t let that stop you, be an explorer, even if you do nothing but try one new thing this year. Do it, you know you want to. There are some temptations in life worth trying, you have to tell yourself “what the hell, let’s go for it“.